:)

eheh,

I made a progress. I’m strating to do my assignment one by one. Take it slowly without any burden of doing “assignment”

I thought I can’t really finish it off! But if I take it slowly and relaxed, I can do it Playing games while doing my assignment. Multitasking! I feel good when I do multitask.

Ahah, tho I wrote a research about the disadvantage of multitasking as it will reducing our level of concentration, I still feel it’s nice to do it sometimes when you’re depressed.

Maybe I’m a type of person that will not obey if something is forced into me. I need to accept it as a part of my own mind, my own will. I need to take it easily and believe that I can finish it before the due date.

ahah, it sounds so lame, isn’t it? but well, that’s true and that’s happening (at least to myself).

But there is still a problem, allocating the portion of playing games with doing my assignment (I think I did 70% playing and 30% doing the work argh! ><), I need to speed up my timing in doing works too. I’m still figure it out now

Well, ganbatte ne atashi wa!! ahaha

Jya na!

4:24pm

Ms. Fury

Im angry to myself!! Why can’t my action follows my will??! I want to study!! I want to do my assignment!! I want to finish those hurdles!! The due date is near, there are still a lot of works to do. And stupidly, I found myself playing games, facebooking, chatting, drawing, day dreaming, watching movies!! It’s like I have a plenty of time?! LOL I just have one week to finish 4 assignments! 2000-2500 words essays!!

God, please help me to wake up!!!

No matter what, I’m still a child.   I act like a child eventho my mind is mature already. I told myself to do the workloads. But my body is just playing, playing and playing. I’m a university student already!! No time for playing, at least do your work first, then you can play!! OMG, it’s hard to fight with myself!! I need to find a way to make my body and soul focus to my mind. I need to concentrate more!! FOCUS!! T_T

It’s really hard to take control of yourself. Please!! Please!! Listen to my will!! T_____T  I thought by crying, I’ll wake up and refresh my body to follow my mind. But, it doesn’t work, I still can’t finish my work.

Maybe I need a “rival”, to play a “finishing assignment” game with me. To motivate me to do the assignments. A “rival” that can knock my door and waking me up.

I need to find the way!! Oh, myself, please grow up!!! Please!!! High Distinction!! High Distinction!! ><

FOCUS!!!!!!!!! T_____________________T

Tomorrow I need to (at least) finish my Psychology Interlearns 5.1.1 !!! and do something with my International Studies major essay.

Please, “wake” me up!!! T_T

1:38 am

It may be true

I posted on my Facebook wall

“I want to see myself,

to smile again, to laugh again.

Simply, cheers my heart up.

Where everybody goes?

I don’t want to enter those world again.

I’ve enough. Enough, it’s never enough. Economy rules the soul.

Pains written in every drops. Red as blood flows. Wet as rain falls.

When the storm is over, tell me. I want to see the rainbow. So I can smile again like I used before.” – Schizophernic Poetry Cheers

People asked, if it’s just a poetry or ??

I’d say that it’s my true feeling currently. I feel so sad that I could barely see myself laughing and smile again. Assignments drive me mad. I have been thinking of just run away and let it go, but, I can’t do that. I tend to be a strong woman, nothing could defeat me and my will. I tend to be a perfectionist, I want everythings done perfectly. But when I feel it’s hard to do it even normally, I cried. Yes, Last night I cried. That’s why I put “Pains written in every drops. Red as blood flows. Wet as rain falls.” Simply illustrate what I felt. I cried, My nose was red, Tears wet my cheek. I couldn’t cope with it. At first I felt like a very idiot person for I cried. But Obama said, “If you feel it’s hard, If you feel you can’t do it perfectly, It’s ok, It’s fine. It’s a part of learning to be strong. Mistakes and imperfections are all you need to be successful. So that you can learn from it to be better.”

Yes you read it right, It’s Obama, the President of United States. I was watching his speech for students in America from youtube, as a part of my film studies assignment.

In conclusion, Sometimes it’s hard to believe that “Nobody’s perfect”. But you are not accepting yourself fully if you don’t want to accept the other part of you, the imperfections that you have. Every “ningen” is builded by two side, positive and negative as well. To be a human fully, you need to know, accept and fix the positive and negative side of you. Don’t just run away!! AND, it IS hard, BUT you will always have those people around you who are willing to help you to get through this hurdle.

“Don’t be affraid kiddo, you’ll be just fine “,

I said to myself.

Cheers My Heart!!

6:44PM, 12 sept ‘09

How stupid I am? :/

duh, its 2:34 am, early in the morning and I couldn’t sleep

this thought of my old friend bugging me out of my sleep. To get rid of it, I think I need to throw it out. =_= So, this is the story.. :p

I was having this friend, I can barely say that this fella (just call it Pal ) is come from a broken home or what so ever family. One habit that I hate from Pal is that Pal likes to lie about everything Pal can tell lie on. But as a, so called, good friend, I was never bother about that lil matter, I can understand that Pal have Pal’s own choice what to lie about or not to lie about. Pal was just want to organize Pal’s own live, wasn’t you Pal?

Well, anyway. We had a really sweet memories that I could barely feel at that time, ignorantly, I feel and realize it just right at this moment. duh, I was really insensitive tho Im a girl! =_=;  anyway, we solve hurdles together, stay up late to do assigment together, walk home together, hunt photographies together, laugh and feel the pain in doing assignment together, Pal was even care, came to me and asked me when I was “secretly” crying because the PC suddenly turned blue (means error) while I was finishing my work. Yea, in conclusion, Pal was my work-mate, we were never hang out to some place together before. :p

I recall that as a girl, I was so harsh to Pal, I treat Pal like no other guys (yea, now u know that Pal is a guy ). So “brutal” like I was shouting at him and even put indifferent face when he called for me help. I even showed my ugliest face to him!! haha, I usually put my sweetest face to guys and girls. I have no idea why I can be so open to this fella  Briefly, I showed no interest at all to him . But he was really nice, waiting and calling me whenever he was beside me, He listens carefully to things that I said. He lows down his voice whenever he asked me something or when he was telling me a story. In front of me, he’s very kind and polite, nearly can be said as a gentleman ^^, But, (still, there is an exception =_=) I do acknowledge that his attitude towards the other was really impolite,, haha how can I put this, well, you know a friendship between a guy and other guy, it’s like so casual. Obviously, he knows that I’m a girl, so that he needs to treat me differently from other guys (ops, I didn’t mean that Im no difference with a guy XD) but sometimes he shows that even to girls, I really don’t know what this fella wants.. XP

I do know a lot of girls are chasing him. lol How can I say such a thing?! (I barely give a compliment to this guy in my own blog! XD) 

well anyway, that’s not what I mean. ehm, to speak frankly, He is good looking and super cute (omg, i need to stop!! XDD). If you know Kim Bum, a korean actor, this fella of mine reminds me of Kim Bum, they have the same (yea, you hear it right, it’s equal! XD) charismatic aura. Now you can imagine how cute he is. haha Im not bluffing here, honestly telling you, he IS super cute (and not to mention, he is also fashionable lol, I really need to stop! XD) Anyway, what I want to say is, I wasn’t even affected by his super cuteness, lol I was really insensitive!! But there were times when we bumped each other and there was wind blown up, I can see that he was really shiny!! my heart even was thumps very fast, that I have no idea why! lol omg, and I tell you that his skin was also gorgeous!! really smooth and not to mention his hair,, gosh!! tho it looked messy (come on, coz it’s the style! emo looks like =_=) when the wind blows up his face, gosh! you can feel his hair is really silky! ahaha, I envy his skin and hair, duh!

lol I didnt realize that I wrote a full pharagraph just to mention how angelic this guy is, I feel ashamed now.. it’s not like he is a super star or sumtin, duh! XD OKOK, be focus! :p And, yea, I couldn’t see that angelic figure eventhough it was right beside me lol When other girls tries to looks “perfect” (read: nice, girly, smart, classy) in front of him, in contrast, I was really dull, harsh, indifferent and many other that meant not to be mentioned here (I can crash my own image in my own blog! how ironic =_=)

Once, my best friend asked me, “don’t you fall in love with him? you are very close, you are even sharing each other secrets already (calm down! it’s not like I bragged his secret to people tho! =_=).“

I answered, “haha hell no! no offence, I don’t consider him to be my bf. don’t be silly “

My friend argues back, “haha but it’s just like, you’re a bestie of a “hot” guy in this college. yeea right, he looks really scary for me tho. you know what, even tho he doesnt know me, neither do I, his expression is just like, want to kill me! gosh.“

I argues back, “lol, hot?? come on!! he’s a baby!! XDD, ah come on, maybe it’s just doesn’t know you, so do you.“

My friend asked, “huh? haha ok, maybe. Anyway, how come you are not felling anything for this guy? I know that, he is your taste, isn’t he?“

I said, “really?! lol how come I didn’t feel like he’s my taste?! XD well, I don’t like him fully la (<- malaysian slang)…he can’t be my bf la,, coz he is my friend (obviously) and he likes to tell lies, more over, he’s too short for me I want a guy who is taller than him (well, actually he’s taller than me, and, I’m tall enough than most asian girls ;p), he’s just not my style,(and long lists of bulls**t), more over, my other bestie likes him, so how could I “steal” him from her? I don’t want to be a bad friend duh! =_=“

Now, after he left somewhere (to continue his study), I tell you, those conversations that you just read, all bulls**t!! I dont mean that I am a bulls**t, but, I was just too blind to realize the reality. Now, If you ask me, “why don’t you like him? why don’t you consider him to be your bf?“, I’ll answer,

“well, honestly speaking, OK, I admit that I was really stupid!! I couldn’t realize a big sweet in front of my eyes. Maybe because it was too close that I couldnt see it properly. Hello, are you blind? why shouldn’t I like him?! he’s gorgeous, just perferctly my type! tho he has lacknesses too. but that’s fine, as long as I can understand and it’s not a terrible lies, I can accept it. besides, he is a hard worker (a never-give-up guy, my type ), very kind and caring. Recalling those memories with him is just priceless, I feel like in heaven, blushing here and there D That’s why I couldn’t sleep tonight ahah :D I miss him badly. And I realize how stupid I was!! Treating a diamond like a totally trash. I feel so sorry for him, I wish I could treat him more nicely than I did. In conclusion, I was very stupidd!! IDIOT !! He is as equal as Kim Bum!! T_T I want to rewind those times and fix the unfixed. But I don’t have a time machine, so sad “

Fewh, that was a very long response.. XD Anyway, rethink of this matter, I believe, my God, Allah, had His own will and plans. Maybe it is just right for me to just be friend with him. Logically, I realize that I’m not “high” enough to be his gf either, tho I don’t know exactly how “high” his taste is, but his ex is really cute, she is, I think, a proper ”high” girl for him. Secondly, there are a lot of things that are not matched between me and him. Religion? Race? Social status? Lifestyle? even Zodiac? Don’t ask, those things are on the lists. Tho people said, if love intervene, those kind of things are not barries. Yea, right, it’s easy to say than to feel. I do think those things matters a lot, more over when it comes to a couple-relationship

Anyway, everythings that are happen, have it’s own meaning. And stupidly, we often can’t figure the meanings out. ;p

So, have you ever think of how stupid you really are? Pardon of my humbleness :p

This journal is dedicated to my beloved fella, I wish he lives a good life far away there.  

Cheers,

Me, 4:10am

xxxx-It IS Painless-xxxx

It IS PainLess,

I can humbly say,

Just realize he’s in front of my eyes

But couldn’t notice, haze was too thick

I was in Love, but I ignored

It’s even useless to look back

He was in Love before I did

Throw it like a stinky trash, I was ignorance

Just start a new for a new,

Keep n remember the past for a better,

Watch, Feel, Listen and Learn

Hope it will never show up again

Painless, I can humbly say

xoxo–created for him–xoxo

sept, 1st ‘09. 2:41am.